State of Consciousness: Working While Relaxing
Mood: Brainstorm-y

Been doing alot of reading lately.. Cliffnotes, e-mails, newspapers, magazines, other people's blogs (kasi hassle yun lang email na natatanggap ko..) and at what point, obviously, I've come to the conclusion that I'm bored.. so i'll just ramble here..

Well, compared to last year's Christmas Vacation, where I was doing a freakin' major plate during the Holidays... where after celebrating Noche Buena at my cousin's house then after finally waking up Christmas morning, I was working! I often said to myself... "damn it! It's Christmas break.. blah blah blah... And as much as I was a lazy prick back then, even if the holidays was at least 2 weeks long, I wasn't finished with my plate when the New Year started.. took a little longer since kailangan may model pa! bad trip... Back then... I prayed.. prayed that come this year, many things would change.. prayed for help, that I would change.. change so that I wouldn't get hurt.. change so that I could inspire others.. I told myself, I'd come out guns blazing this year, with matching enthusiasm and hope..

So you're probably asking - Was I able to achieve that?

That I wouldn't know.. Define achievement.. How would know that one has achieved something? Is it by how one is convicted or convinced that "Hey, I have achieved something!"? or is it by how other people say so from their perspective? Is it by the awards or the grades that one was able to attain? Or by how great one's ideas or concepts are? Is it by how those same achievements bring you fame and popularity?

Is it by how people say "wow ang galing mo a!" or "nice one!" Is it by how people can somehow rely on you for help? Is it a measurement of what you are? Are we supposed to be gauged in this manner? Would a boxer with a record of 10 wins - 2 losses - 5 knockouts be able to rival one that has say, 20 more wins? Are we reduced to the society that considers statistics and numbers better? Is someone who gets constant 1.25 grades considered better than one who gets straight 2.00s?

I say no, I'd rather fear those who have nothing to lose.. those who have constant 3.00s in their grades.. that boxer who has a whole lot of losses.. I'd fear that 2nd place winner instead of the 1st placer.. I see it alot.. They are those people who have almost achieved their ultimate goal, and yet, they fall short.. It rips them apart, being so close, and yet so far.. I'd rather be with those unspoken leaders... those unspoken heroes... constantly surprising everyone.. those that have their own Cinderella stories.. the underdog.. the one with no pride left..

And when that underdog, having more losses than victories, as in the song, Hari ng Sablay - "isang tama sampung mali", having more aches than joys.. Now that's an achievment.. An underdog team, having 100 games, but winning only 1, but against the best team in the league, would be monumental! It defies statistical bull crap.. It would be like 1 win = 99 losses.. It removes the stereotype of "nah, they can't win.." Underdogs... you gotta love them... A true underdog surprises people... other than that, they're just pure losers..

So where do I stand now? Hmmm.. I'm still collecting my share of losses... gained a few victories along the way.. And when the time comes, i'll finally prove it.. Prove what I want people to know.. its not to suck up on them or gain their respect.. respect? I already have that.. it aint even about winning itself.. and no, it ain't about striking fear in people's heart.. (I wouldn't want that, I love them..) it's more about proving people that i'm worth your trouble.. it's about showing them that i'll give one hell of a fight.. it's about changing the stereotype and defing people's gauge of what a true person really is..

And that is what achievement is. Or at least, in my point of view..

A conversation between the Mind and the Heart:

Ang tambalang Pu (puso) at Ta (utak)! *open curtain*

Pu: oi musta ka na dyan? tagal na tayong di nagkita a...
Ta: dude, mabuti... wala na ako sakit... wala nang plate e.. kaw? Balita ko si ano...
Pu: oo, wag mo na paalala..
Ta: kahit ako di makapaniwala e! Lam mo naman ako, seeing is believing...
Pu: Pero dude, nakutoban ko na rin yun e.. gut feeling...
Ta: okei ka lang, pare?
Pu: oo naman syempre! natural lang naman yun di ba?
Ta: oo, at natural lang din na masaktan ka..
Pu: hmmp.. bat naman kasi ganun..
Ta: kilala kita.. di ka naman siguro gagawa ng gulo di ba?
Pu: syempre noh! pati ba naman yun tinatanong mo pa? Alam mo na yun e..
Ta: hehehe... sorry na.. just checking.. alam mo naman ako, Pu, naninigurado lang..
Pu: lam mo naman di ako ganun magalit e...
Ta: hay.... how long has it been? Like 2 years?
Pu: mga 2 and a half na rin ata..
Ta: remember the time nung first day of classes mo sa kolehiyo?
Pu: uu grabe.. nakita ko siya at..
Ta: at sinabi kong di na tayo magbabalak sa kanya kasi sobrang ganda niya at i'm sure na madami rin magkakagusto sa kanya..
Pu: yep.. pero dude, kahit ikaw nagandahan sa kanya e!
Ta: uu... syempre lupit magtrabaho nun noh... kakainspire..
Pu: hehe.. what's not to like? Naalala mo yung unang pagusap natin sa kanya?
Ta: uu.. pano nga ba yung sinabi niya? i think it was something like "flow, holding hands tayo, kunwari tayo.."
Pu: uu nga e.. kahit papano kinilig ako nun.. kulit niya.. sarap kakwentuhan..
Ta: yep.. sobra... while I did some plates, ikaw naman ay nakikitambay sa kanya sa pav tuwing umaga..
Pu: heheh.. sowee na.. minsan lang yung ganitong feeling e..
Ta: pero pinagsasabihan na kita nun noh..
Pu: uu nga... humihingi nga ako ng tulong sayo, pero lagi mo sinasabi tutulungan moko pagkatapos at nakaraos na tayo sa plate.. di naman nangyari..
Ta: hay.. sorry na.. nanghinayang rin ako nung di na natin siya nakausap nun..
Pu: uu nga e... napansin mo 3rd yr na pala tayo? bilis ng panahon..
Ta: uu nga. pero di mo pa rin siya nakausap..
Pu: buti na nga lang may retreat e!!!
Ta: hahaha.. nakapagpahinga ako dun noh! tama pala sila na mahirap daw third year? uy.. nilapitan ka niya dun a...
Pu: yep! sobrang natuwa kaya ako.. nung nagsorry siya sakin e!
Ta: hehe... ganito pa nga nangyari nun e:

*flashback: black and white lahat*

Pu: pssst, Ta.. si ano... nasa harap natin!
Ano: flow, sorry...
Pu: wow.. yipee... shet.. bigat..
Ta: hoy Pu, wag ka nga talon ng talon dyan! ano sasabihin natin?
Pu: *yipee* *yipee*
Ta: hoi ano na sasabihin ko? "ah e.. wala yun, kinalimutan ko na yun, okei na yun.."
Pu: *yipee* *yipee* *saya ng araw ko!!! yesssssshhhhhh!!!!!*
Ta: tigil ka na nga sa kakatalon! "ah e.. sige pasok na tayo, tawag na kasi tayo ni Maneja.."
Pu: *wwwwoohoooooo* *niceeeeee*
Ano: Kasi naforget mo na ata bago moko naforgive..
Ta: *ngek, kung alam mo lang tagal na namin inaantay yun noh*

*back to present*

Ta: *laugh out loud* ahah.. abot tenga ngiti mo nung mga ilang araw na nakaraan...
Pu: oo noh! sobrang tuwa ko.... kahit ikaw natuwa rin e! lam mo naman na mahal natin yun..
Ta: syempre! tayo pa! natutuwa nga ako nung mga nangyari pagkatapos nun.. kapag gumagawa ako ng plate kinukulit tayo..
Pu: hehehe... galingan mo kasi...
Ta: oo ginagalingan na nga e!
Pu: but still...
Ta: yep, di na pwede.. masyadong magulo kapag nakielam ka pa..
Pu: pero ang hirap.. alam mo ba if she didn't have anybody else nung mga panahon na yun, eh sinabi ko na ang lahat?
Ta: oo.. pero masyado ka natuwa...humingi ka nga ng plano sakin nun e.... tsaka hey, may boyfriend siya nun...
Pu: uu nga e... pero dude astig din nung bday ni flow noh?
Ta: oo.. buti andun siya... sarap ba siya makatext? kahit nagkakagulo na?
Pu: hahaha.. uu sobra... tarantang taranta na tayo nun noh... LOL... wat i liked was what happened a day sa carpool a week after that..
Ta: bakit?
Pu: hehehe inasar niya akow nung dumaan sa *encio's hehehe.. kakatuwa...
Ta: nyek... kaw talaga...
Pu: kilala mo naman tayo noh! mahilig umasa...
Ta: at ngayon, nagkakaganyan ka.. kaw kasi e.. mahilig ka masyadong umasa..
Pu: hayyy... text ng text nga ako kay fafi God kung ano gagawin..
Ta: ano sabi?
Pu: wala pa reply e...
Ta: ungas meron na yun! di naman kasi thru text magreply yun... mahilig magsnail mail yun..
Pu: bat naman kasi sa sobrang lakas ng torpe-do ko..
Ta: ganun rin ka lakas ng radar mo.. at least mabuti nang naalam mo na, kaysa nasasaktan ka...
Pu: hay... dude.. sino na? who's gonna fill this void? sobrang saya kapag nandyan siya, kahit sa simpleng bolahan lang, abot langit ang tuwa..
Ta: Hoi. alam ko masakit at malungkot.. at yang void na yan, di naman nawala a.. memories na yan, wala nang makakapagpalit dyan..
Pu: ayoko maalala.. nakakapangtampo naman.. alam mo naman bday lang niya mga ilang days ago di ba?
Ta: oo! may plano pa naman sana tayo nun... buti pala't may naka-timbre... mabuti nang nalaman mo na agad, kaysa nagulat ka...
Pu: tsk.. sinabi ko pa naman sa sarili ko, if hindi ko masabi sa kanya ang lahat bago matapos ang 2005, then kalimutan na talaga natin... yung araw na yun sana.. yun yung huling araw na makikita mo siya.. pero..
Ta: yep, tapos na nga, nangyari na.... at ilang araw nalang, tapos na ang 2005. I guess, dun na yun? Isipin mo, madaming kang kaibigan na nangangailangan ng tulong mo..
Pu: hay.. oo.. anlabo nga ng mga kaibigan ko.. buti nga sila ganun.. tapos anlabo...
Ta: ungas, Pu, ganun talaga ang buhay..
Pu: alam ko Ta... so, tulungan nalang natin sila? mas mabuti nang ganun..
Ta: yep, they had your back, and so should you have your back..
Pu: nah.. it's more like - always the friend, never the boyfriend..
Ta: hoi.. di a! It's just that, ganun talaga katangian mo... Friends above all.. gagawin mo lahat para sa mga kaibigan mo di ba?
Pu: oo naman noh... better then than me... ayoko silang nasasaktan sa mga pinaggagawa nila..
Ta: so, closing doors kay ano?
Pu: Yup, Close it, but I won't lock it.. If may kailangan siya kakatok lang siya, or malay mo, tayo mismo yung magbukas ng pinto at habulin siya..
Ta: sounds like a plan.. aral tayo a? hay.. 2006 na pala noh? Ang galing.. kakaibang taon toh noh?
Pu: yep.. sarap ng bakasyon, nakapagisip tayo.. ibang iba nga ang 2005.. its not a grand slam finish, but still..
Ta: hehehe.... may assignment pa pala... di bale, next year pa naman kailangan e!
Pu: hahaha.. uu nga..
Ta: 2006.. Ready to kick some ass, Pu?
Pu: oo naman! Walang iwanan?
Ta: yeah.. 2006.. so much hope, so much opportunity.. just have to capitalize...
Pu: yep.. teka pucha gawin mo nga muna assignment na yan? sabi mo kanina gagawin mo na ah..
Ta: oo na oo na... patulong narin.... gawin na natin toh...

*End* *Curtains close*

Hahaha.. Such a great combination.. Pu-Ta.. I have suffered much, but hey, I can live with that..

State of Consciousness: Christmasly-Rich!!!
Mood: ------

Lemme tell ya abit about what I did last night (Christmas Eve). First, we did our traditional visit with one of our tito's (Mother's side). Usually we're 3 families, but I just found out, one family was at Tuguegarrao (tama ba spelling?).. We went to their lovely house at West Grove Heights.. (yes, bigatin talaga si tito..) And few mins later, off we went to go to Mass.. We went to St. John Bosco church-thingy (Didn't know there was a church located at those parts)..

Apparently, it sent me to a criticizing mood... First off, the mass was to start around 10:00 pm as most other vigil Masses start... but apparently the priest/s was/were late by 15 mins. Usually, there are 2 inner rows and 2 outer rows, right? We were seated at the right most row, and our cousins were a few pews ahead.. Since there is usually a space between these rows where people could usually walk around, I found it annoying when people started bring in monoblocks and started seating between these spaces. Even worse was people were preferred standing!! So apparently, the whole mass, we had a view of people's backs..

So the mass went on, the priest was about to give his homily, he started talking about a text message he received, apparently, he didn't memorize it, so he had to take out his phone (since I can't see the altar, I just took note of a long pause by the priest). And so he dragged on, which didn't matter too much on me, since priests can technically make long homilies... Oh, do you notice priests asking questions at the start of their homilies right? Usually these are either rhetoric questions or the crowd has a unified answer or the priest takes cue on the crowd's reaction on their faces.. this one was different.. he literally asked and waited for someone to come in front.. I think a kid spoke first, then a old woman? Sorry, all I can see was some people's back.. Talk about QandA portion..

As he was about to end, I found it weird when he said, "Before I finish my homily, I want you all to listen to a reflection song.." My reaction, was "Grabe, retreat ba tong napuntahan natin?!". As the song was in the intro part, the priest wanted the song to be played all over again, since may video pa! (Bigatin tong simbahan na toh, it had 2 LCD projectors flanking the altar) Grabe.... Even Mom had a reaction.. She looked back at us, (Momsie and Dad was 2 pews ahead).. Even she, being oh-so-religious didn't stand it.. She later on said that it lacked substance..

And so the mass dragged on, and after Communion, there was a performance by some youth.. first they sang like a chorale, then, as Ate would say with matching effects of turning off the lights, they danced (Pambihira!! Gusto ko na magNoche Buena!) Well, maybe the reason I didn't appreciate it was because I can't see the freakin' altar! Puro likod lang hassle... And as the last act of the night, the priest did some closing remarks, thanking some people... the thing is, he could have thanked the whole subdivision! He kept on saying "And lastly, I'd like to thank (insert name here) for (insert action here). With that, he finally said the closing prayer.. with a record mass... 2 hours (10:00 - 12:00)..

Cousin Migs said as we stood "Was that short or what?" He said that we should be lucky enough to have 1 and a half hours of mass.. I immediately joked about how the priest did a one-time-big-time, performance-level mass..

Soon we travelled back to tito's home and had the usual Noche Buena, and we joked about the whole mass in our meals.. we opened our gifts.. ate some more, joked some more, made fun of many things.. At 2:00 am we were about to leave, we took our family pictures, by their Christmas tree, their stairs, and the joking continued *tara dun, tayo sa banyo!* *tara dun naman sa kwarto ni Topet!*

And with that we travelled home... Nalagas ang 60 pesos kong load sa kakatext ng Merry Christmas.. I guess I'll post next time what I did on Christmas Day itself... haba na pala nito!

Christmas came in colder this year, but it was worth it nonetheless..

State of Consciousness: Christmas Spirit
Mood: Cool, Relaxed...

Hay... It's Christmas Eve once again... the next time I'll post, it'll be Christmas Day already... The day started just like any other day.. *Nasigawan pa ako ni Momsie, dahil puro tulog nalang ginawa ko, Sowee Mom!* Helped Mom in getting our car looked at..

Just slept thru the afternoon... and now, we're getting ready to visit our relatives sa West Grove.. where it's sure to be quiet. Just can't help the fact... that the one gift I really like and have been praying to receive above all.. that one gift... I won't be receiving it again this year. Well, they say God won't give what you don't need.. Hell, maybe I don't need it, anyways..

Or do? I won't lie to myself.. I know I'll be super-duper happy when I get that gift... I've been longing for it.. Maybe for too long already... besides.. I went thru alot of hurt and whole lot of joy too.. What I'm saying is.. I guess I'm glad enough to be able to reconnect with her.. Just happy enough as it is... Friendship is means a whole lot for me... It's attached to so many things.. Trust - I'll always have your back.. Joy - Give me a chance and I'll make you laugh as long as you want.. so many things.. Pain - I can't make it go away, pero dadamayan kita!

But heck, I know I can never be as close to that gift as before. Can't tell why, but I sort of... sense it... Sure, I'm close enough to scratch the surface, but I'm throughly convinced that I can never dig deeper than before.

Christmas never came colder, but I'll stick with it..
Merry Christmas to all!!!

State of Consciousness: Book-Worm-Syndrome
Mood: Bored
Book: The Alchemist

Maybe some of you may have read this book months before... in fact, I could have read it before too.. it's always been laying around the house, and for some strange reason, I finally picked up the book and read it.

It is quite short. I read it starting 8:00 pm a while ago and finished it about 10:30 pm... the book, I'm sure will not have it's movie version, since its too short to be one, and too much full of stuff.. too many rambling ideas.. too many dreams to done..

Wait. Maybe that was my mind speaking.. Alot of things do relate to me in this book.. Every person dreams, and after that initial step of "I'm-gonna-make-my-dream-come-true!", full of enthusiasm and determination, it's as if one can do everything, nothing is impossible. And as the journey in achieving one's dreams goes, one encounters a whole lot of things, things that stray us away from the goal. It may not neccesarily be something that is evil, but rather something that causes you to be content. I'm not saying that you should be greed about things, but rather you should not settle for less.. A.K.A as the Filipino term as "Okei Na".

And now, it is obviously what I'm trying to achieve now that I'm 3 years deep into college.. I always say to myself, that at this point, there is no turning back. I'm at that point of no return. This course, better known as Architorture, is itself tough, tiring, exhausting, exasperating, and to top it off, it burns thru our wallets! hehehe..

The mail came in this morning with my grades from UST last sem. Never knew snail mail would come at a... snail's pace.. Even if I have already shown my parents my grades when they came out sa net, they were still happier.. Heck, I know I did WAY better than I did during my first and second years. I can't help but realize that I like it when they are proud of me. Syempre, dalawa ba naman uno! And with that, I can really say that I've been doing what I pledged to do when this school year started.

Since there's no turning back, there's no where to go but blazing forward!

State of Consciousness: Post - Paskuhan Blues
Mood: Indecisive
Quote: Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Yesterday's Paskuhan: Started with a bang and ended with a band. (Oh di ba it rhymes?) The fireworks was just astounding, after missing it last year since we didn't have any fireworks back then, the 5-10 or so minutes of fireworks was sooooooo much fun. *Astig grabe!!* My expressions were recorded in Cha's phone, apparently catching my scream when falling debris from fireworks suddenly hit me and Ais.

And obviously, its not those "manually" lit firework displays like we do in New Year.. you know, a person running close to do fireworks, lighting it, running a few steps back, blah blah..

Since yesterday was the last time I'll UST before the year ends. A reminiscing mood set in.. So many things happened this whole year inside the campus. New friendships were formed, older relationships rekindled, lovers remained as lovers, enemies became friends, friends became enemies, partnerships grew strong, blah blah blah and all that stuff happened.

Success is ensured...
Joy is achieved...
Prowess is flaunted...
Victory is impressive...
Pain is envitable...
Suffering is evervescent...
Grief is in denial...
Love is lost...

State of Consciousness: Post-Plate Submission Relaxation Syndrome
Mood: Rested..

Wow, I'd never thought I'd find the time to be able to post.. It's just about the first half of this semester.. And suprisingly, I'm exhausted!! Well, yeah, I know it's part of the course, blah blah blah, heck, I know I can take it, but lately, I just didn't have the inspiration nor the momentum to go on. Architecture taking its toll on me? Not really.. It's more of finding myself performing less than last semester. Something like this:









So proud.. Heck, come to think of it, it's the only cash, monetary thing that I've made my whole life..

I need something. Maybe someone, who could help me finish this sem. Something, that could bring me, to blazing glory. Someone, who'd always have my back. Something, that could make ask for more. Someone, who'd inspired me.. inspire me so much that I'd want to be just like her.

Heck, what the hell.. I'll bounce back when the New Year comes. For now, I'll celebrate Christmas like every other person... it'll make it count since last year, I didn't feel it too much.. Stupid plate got in the way.. Even New Year.. looking forward to that too...

It's not yet Christmas, but too me, it already come yesterday pa..